i say what i wanna say no matter what

acctly nothing to say..just today is not a good friday at all..as a Muslim...Friday is the most holy day..but seem nothing for me today..i'm just totally tired and fed up with all the same situation happen. i was hold my tear came out..i was pretend to be strong infornt of them..i was pretend nothing has effect me...damn so hypocrite...i should said..U ALL ARE FUCKING JERK! argh no one deserve to get that words from me...i was just so angry, so dissapointed, i'm fedup with all this thing. i'm holding my tear..it was very difficult for me to hide...people ask why? why seem not so happy? i just pretend saying i'm tired...
"i'm sorry your aplication for this position can't be proceed due to bla bla bla....althou you are qualified to this job.....this is our company policies"
"owh really"
"i'm so sorry"
"owh it's okay for me, its not my luck with this company, anyway thank you"
(a stupid girl who pretend normal is me) the darndest word ever.. i can be the best actress ever instead looking for another job..maybe i will be a famous actress!
the whole day just fucking shit to me...with a fake laugh and smile..
a few did realize on my mood..they treat me nicely..i just dont even feel glad at all...someone did said  to me before "you are hard to please" "you can be so damnly cold towards others"...i was thinking...i'm not a person that hard to pleased but i just dont get the value whenever i feel empty...'cold towards others' i dont know...

few years past....
after SPM..i was entered form 6....at the same time i did get a job to be as bank teller at Bank ******...
on that time..i was really didnt feel to..i just dont feel i can stop study...because i'm still young..and i just dont want my journey to be stop at that moment.. i wanna explore more and more...
my mom did adviced me to stop study and accept the job...i'm refused to...because i dont feel working there is suit with my life...my soul are eager for a freedom...i just getting to know others...my classmate...new friends, new environment, new school, new lifestyle,....pull stop...i reject that position because deep inside my heart...i deserve to get better, my mom are so dissapointed but still allowed me to further my form 6...i'm so happy at that moment...

now..my mom did ask me...did u feel regret to reject that job offer? i answer "nope at all, i dont even feel regret at all" because if i accept that job offer..my life wont be the same...my life in High School, my life in University, my life with equestrian, all my friends from school and university, my knowledge...i'm so glad that i choose a right path. Although i'm having a difficulties in searching new jobs...but i'm glad..those previous memories are priceless for me..to be experienced as a normal human being, up and down in life...it wont be the same if i accept that job...that i wont be the one i am now...i wont even know my current friends...and i wont know him more too.

on the way back to mainland penang..
mom -"hey i want you give your resume to _______ so she can arrange you to work in ********"
me -"no way..i dont want get a job with that way"
mom- "its not wrong, she just help you if there any vacancy there, she keep asking me to ask your resume"
me -"no i dont want...she just pretend to ask..but acctly NO, she didnt want help me but because of you she have to because she didnt want let you down, she just pretend being nice...i dont want my pride down, did u forget what she had said to me last time? "owh with your degree its difficult to get jobs here, deep in my heart "damn i know..my degree are totally out with what u expected...my degree are too world wide to be compared with this job which required more on  insaniah & kerohanian" while my degree are more on "duniawi"....
mom -"again! your pride again! as your mom...deep inside my heart..u did have potential to be work at there, this is mother instinct"
me- "why should i at there?"
mom -"so you can change your life (religious matter)"
me -"hah?"
mom -"i know...if you work there...your attitude (religious matter) can be change...i will be very glad".
me -deeply inside my heart "yeah i know..i'm not so good in religion...but i still know what is right and wrong in religion"
mom- "i want you to be a religious person, get a religious husband, a good life and good future in life"
me - just keep silent while deeply inside my heart...."i dont know!! i didnt get my own life yet!! plz others dont ask me to do this and that...this is my life...i will choose it by my self"
mom - "marry a religious guy will guide you the right path in your life bla bla bla husband bla bla bla husband"
me - "i dont want to hear anything..enough...i'm tired and dissapointed with what was happen just now..i dont have any mood to hear any, i will do what i want in my life.
(religion and working as a ***** in ***** can change my lifesytle) hmmm....with a god will without working there...i still can be better person...i just dont get what on her mind..i know she have a good intention...thanks mom. it just not the time yet. by the way although i'm not so good in religious matter i still know sin and reward.

i'm too tired to be facing all this thing again and again..give me some peace of mind..